Musings
by meandering-bluebottle
Summary: Have you ever wondered what it's like to think like a Marauder? Find out what makes Sirius tick, why Lily wont say yes to James, and what he does to compensate for his messy hair. You may just meet some new characters too! MWPP era
1. Sirius

**Disclaimer: **It's J.K Rowling's, not mine. Never was, never will be.

**A/N: **Hello all!!! No-one is more surprised than me to have another story up but I was once again unable to sleep and this is what i came up with. I'm not sure if it will go anywhere, but i'm thinking of having chapters from the point of view of numerous people. It's almost like an inner thought process so just bear with me. Review if you like it and want me to do more!!!

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Sirius**

Humour is a defence mechanism. I have a lot to defend.

Arrogance is self preservation. I have a lot of self to preserve.

Knowledge is power. Or paranoia, I haven't decided which one yet. Think about it, the more magical diseases you learn about, the more of a hypochondriac you become. You get one red spot on your face and suddenly it's not the usual prepubescent inflammation you convince yourself nobody can see, but the beginnings of a tropical fungal disease you picked up when you were holidaying in the Maldives (I've never actually been to the Maldives but you get the picture). The more you learn in defence against the dark arts, the more you are convinced someone is about to attack you around the next corner. Granted, with friends like mine, I don't need an enemy to attack me. James, Remus or Peter (well, maybe not so much Pete, the guy can hardly tell the tip of his wand apart from the handle. Top bloke though) are _very_ willing to make sure I don't forget that they are some of the best pranksters in the whole school. I shall simply omit the fact that I too am just like them.

My last name, coincidentally, is the same colour as my hair. I hate my last name. It reminds me of the _black _prejudices my family hold dear. I love my hair though.

My first name, not so coincidentally, is nothing like my personality. Well, nothing like my persona on an average day anyway. It appears my family are obsessed with stars. And perhaps adjectives. Sirius Black. If you spelled my first name like the actual word, it would be _Serious Black._ Many people make the joke that my middle name is _Leigh _(or _Lee _if you want a different spelling). That wouldn't work. Why? Because _Leigh _(or _Lee) _is neither galaxy related nor an adjective. Luckily I don't have a middle name. It could have been Sirius Uranus Black. Bad joke, sorry.

Confidence can mask insecurities. I never thought I was good looking. I was short, real short, and not exactly thin. I wasn't exactly fat either, just not thin. Until fourth year. A girl in the year above came up to me that year and asked me out. She was gorgeous. She told me I was gorgeous. I would rather be told I was something more manly, like 'hot' or 'sexy' but I wasn't going to argue. I used to pretend to be confident. Now I _am _confident. It's hard not to listen after the one hundredth comment from a girl that they think you're gorgeous. Come to think of it, there have been a couple of guys who've said that too. Interesting.

Flirting is harmless, if you know how to play it right. If there is a male equivalent of a tease, then I'm one. I'm in it for the thrill of the chase. I get to the stage where I have a girl wrapped around my little finger, and then I leave them hanging. Broom cupboards are tacky. The astronomy tower simply says 'I think you are nothing more than a cheap floozy'. I take the girl on a date outside the castle. The lake is great, so long as it's not raining. Or a full moon. Sometimes the girl grows on me. Sometimes I fall hard. It always ends eventually. It always ends on my terms. Don't worry, I never let the girl feel like it's her fault. I just play the whole 'I have issues' card and they leave with a strange sense of respect for me. I have no idea why I do this. Maybe it's because of my fucked up family and their shunning of me which has lead me to be emotionally incompetent or maybe I end it before the girl gets a chance to reject me as my family has done. Maybe I think I'm too good for the girls I've been with. Maybe I'm a real sap and constantly end relationships because the girl isn't my soul mate. I really don't know and I really don't care. Maybe I'll grow up one day, and then I'll care but for now, I sleep easy.

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I am a morning person. I'm not one of those really annoyingly chirpy morning people, but if I wake up at six in the morning, I'm awake and get ready. My roommates are not morning people. Remus particularly hates mornings. You could say he is more of a night creature. Creature would be an extremely appropriate term as he is the cause for the majority of mess in our dorm room. Chocolate wrappers, dirty socks and library books are always scattered across the room, courtesy of Remus, but there is always one bed which is impeccably tidy. I mean so tidy a house elf would ask this person for cleaning tips. It's not me or Peter who can't stand the mess, but James. The guy is completely anal retentive about neatness and has set up an invisible boundary around his four-poster so that none of our mess mingles with his 'area'. This is rather ironic as James has the scruffiest appearance of us all. Maybe he's trying to compensate for the lack of control he has over his hair. Or the lack of control over the girl he is completely enamoured with.

The aforementioned girl is Lily Evans. She is a goddess. I would never even think of her in a 'more than friendly way' or attempt to flirt with her because James would make sure I sang soprano for the rest of my life. I am just as confident (which translates to arrogant by the way) as James, but for some reason I get along with Lily extremely well and James doesn't. My theory is we get along so well because we're alike, Lily and I. Well, minus the arrogance. I have a feeling she really does like James but feels the need to keep him hanging because the chase is far more exciting than the unknown territory of a possible relationship. I think she's coming around though, seeing as she's stopped hanging out with a certain greasy Slytherin slime ball. I know they'll get together eventually (Lily and James, not Lily and the slime ball). I also know that it will be on Lily's terms. We're just that similar. She's a morning person too.

"Michelle's snoring woke you up?" I asked. We often have chats in the wee hours of the morning. It's how we got to know each other and pretend we had figured the other out. I sure as hell haven't completely figured her out.

"More effective than an alarm clock as you would know." She answered, not looking up from her magazine.

"Ah, those were the days." I mused. Michelle was one I fell so hard for that I'm sure I bruised something. It lasted five months in fifth year. To end it, I used the excuse that my brother was going off the rails and that I needed to sort him out. It was true but it clearly had nothing to do with our relationship. I told you it was always on my terms.

"Breakfast?" Lily asked.

"Kitchens?"

"No, the tables will be ready. It's almost seven."

"Lead the way."

Lily and I bonded over our dislike for our names. My family were all named after stars. Her family were all named after flowers. I just had a sudden thought. If me and Lily are so alike, that means James is just looking for a female version of me. I may pitch that idea to him. It would be great to hear his reasoning. I'm sure the fact that Lily has breasts will come up at some stage and will be the clincher to win him the argument.

At seven in the morning, it's usually just me and Lily at the Gryffindor table. There is always one other girl at the Hufflepuff table. Trude? Prude? It's a different name anyway. Lily has just informed me her name is Gertrude. I was close. She's in a couple of my classes but I don't know her that well. From what I've gathered, she's a shy one, rather quiet, and probably pretty smart too but I wouldn't really know.

Pancakes are my preferred choice for breakfast today. No maple syrup, just lemon and sugar. Simplicity is best.

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**A/N: **So what do you think? Remus may be next... 


	2. Remus

**Disclaimer: **JK Rowling owns it, not me

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**Remus**

'I AM A WEREWOLF!'

You would think people would actually react to someone yelling that in a dead quiet History of Magic classroom, but everyone still looks asleep. Maybe the class is just that boring. Maybe I would have gotten more of a reaction if I had yelled that out loud instead of in my head.

You could say I have a lot of pent up anger. I have a very short fuse and my friends insist on lighting it quite often. This morning Sirius made such a racquet that I woke up at half past six. I am not a morning person. I am incapable of coherent speech before the tenth hour. I have insisted on being short with Sirius all day, not that he cares as he thinks it's hilarious.

I feel as though I have been handed a rather raw deal in life. I never asked to be bitten by a werewolf when I was young. I was never asked whether I would like to turn into a dangerous creature each and every full moon. I never ticked that box which stated I wanted to live a life of secrecy and be shunned by society. The long and the short of it is that I never had a choice in how I live my life and I'm pissed off about it. I'm angry with life so I compensate by rebelling with my friends; sneaking out after curfew, playing practical jokes and all round having a good time. Much the same way James compensates for his messy hair by having an extremely clean (and I mean freakishly clean) 'area' in our dorm room. My messiness is another way of 'rebelling' so to speak. I feel with how my life is, I have the right to be messy. If someone complains, I play the werewolf card.

I know I'm not the only one with 'issues' and I don't pretend I'm the only one with issues. All my friends have issues of sorts. I think everyone has them. But the issues I have are _mine _and I'm the only one who can do something about them. I would have had a couple less issues had Sirius stayed short and chubby. I was the first of my friends to kiss a girl. It was third year. I was more mature than my other friends and girls liked that. Then Sirius comes back in fourth year having had a growth spurt and I was pushed to the background. He pissed me off that year, and I know it was because I was jealous. Not just of him but of James too. Those two are intellectually gifted and while I'm definitely not dumb and get rather good marks, those two don't even have to study to get the same marks as me. It's just another thing that pisses me off. It doesn't help that the only reason I was made prefect was to control those two, a power which I never actually exercised. I work my arse off to get where I want to be while others simply lap up knowledge like a fucking sponge. Knowledge is power. Let's face it, even with my good marks, I'm not going to be able to get a job when I graduate anyway. We were handed a questionnaire the other day as part of 'careers week' and are supposed to hand it in by Friday. I'm not going to bother handing mine in.

I love my friends. I don't ever say that to them because, well, we're guys and we simply don't do that. We all know that we are like family so there's no need to say it. That's why it doesn't matter when we fight or get jealous. Surprisingly, James wins in the jealousy stakes. Sirius doesn't know just how much James holds back what he's feeling. It's all about the girl. Fortunately, James doesn't know that Sirius cares for him enough to keep to himself just how well he and Lily get along. James still thinks they are mere acquaintances. This is how I know that if the situation presented itself, neither of them would risk their friendship over a girl. We've been through way too much and there is no turning back now. It's all about mateship and betrayal is not an option.

I don't know if my friends corrupted me or I corrupted them. Let's just say once our paths crossed, we all sort of corrupted each other. We are not bad people. We cross the line every now and then but we feel guilty when we do. I know feeling guilt does not make it entirely right, not even a tiny bit right, but it proves we are human (or in my case, half human). I wonder what it means that we never talk about when we go too far.

I'm going to enjoy my young years while I can.

What I know and what I want are two completely different things. One day, I know I'll grow up. One day, I know I'll want to grow up. One day, I want to fall in love. One day, I want to get married. One day, I want to have kids who are normal. I simply ignore these thoughts, so for now, I sleep easy. So long at it's not a full moon.

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**A/N: **This Remus probably seems OOC from the books...but it's him as a teenager and I figure he was bound to be a bit angsty during the troubled teen years! Luckily, he appeared to grow up.

Would love to know what you think!


	3. Lily

**Disclaimer: **Not mine, it belongs to some little known person called J.K. Rowling.

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**Lily**

You want to know a shameful secret? I enjoy being a part of the Slug Club. There's something exciting about being around people who simply want to be seen with you because you are you. Petunia would spit chips if she knew people praised me for being a freak. No matter what my sister says, I love her dearly. I know she loves me too. When I get married, I still want her to be a bridesmaid. Matron of honour even. Though I may just choose a horrible colour simply to spite her. And puffy sleeves. Although come to think of it, I think she likes puffy sleeves. Scratch that last idea.

Someone else who loves their family even though he claims he doesn't is Mr. Sirius Black. He can't fool me by ranting about how he's never going back to his house, that he hates his parents and can't think of anyone worse for a brother. He's bluffing. It hurts him that his family pretty much rejected him, I know it does. He is a façade of humour and arrogance, but a wonderful one at that. He's very lucky he has such good friends. Notice I said good 'friends' not good 'people'. Maybe I'm being a bit harsh, but if you knew what I knew!

Speaking of Sirius' friends, Remus looks like a startled owl right now. I can only wager that he is on his own thought path as Professor Binns certainly isn't providing enough intellectual stimulation. Maybe he's simply trying to avoid laughing at Sirius pulling funny faces because, god forbid, he will start laughing and his attempts to shun Sirius because he was woken up early will be in vain. Sirius winks at me. James looks toward me, then Sirius, then his eyes settle on me again. He gives me an ever so slight smile. I really hope he doesn't think there's anything more to me and Sirius. There's not. Won't say I haven't thought about it though. Unfortunately, Sirius is far too loyal to James. He's like a freaking dog. I bet you he's never even looked down my top. Not that I want boys blatantly perving at my assets. Anyway…

I wish I could call him James in public. He was the one who started the whole last name thing. I just reciprocated. I used to dislike him, many years ago (I say dislike; hate is far too strong a word). He was an arrogant wanker. Still is really. But now I know there are worse things than being an arrogant wanker. Like a friend who decides you are not as important as making sure people think you are a heartless bastard and only care about 'purifying' the world. When Se-Snape called me a mudblood, that was worse than anything I had ever felt. He didn't listen to me about his stupid friends. He had to play into James' stupid game and get jealous. There was no need to be jealous. I could have loved him. Would have loved him. But I failed. I couldn't save him. He's not the Severus I used to know. DAMMIT, I thought of him as Severus again. Oh this is too emotional, I haven't thought about this in over a year. I shall distract myself.

James is bending down to pick up his quill. This is ridiculous, who the hell gets flustered by seeing the tiniest bit of a guy's back when his shirt pulls out of his waistband while trying to get a quill which dropped on the floor because his friend thought it was a sugar quill, put it in his mouth then realised it wasn't a sugar quill but a normal feather one and decided peacock feathers tasted like crap. Me apparently. I don't know when the daydreams started. All I know is that now they are here, they won't go away. After watching a quidditch game I can't help but think if I just _happened _to go into the Gryffindor change rooms and only James was there, half undressed mind you, that something would happen. What the hell could my excuse be? 'Oh sorry James, I was looking for Sirius'. Don't think that would go down too well with him, what a mood killer. The daydreams come rather unexpectedly too. Ill be minding my own business in the corridor, then I hear his voice or see him (or glare at him) or _something_ and all I can think about is how close the nearest broom closet is. And believe me, it's not to run away and hide from him. I'd drag him in with me. I'd love to be the one who initiated the first kiss. He's so overeager to ask me out, I'd want to know it was my decision and not just the only thing I could think of to shut him up.

Wow, I am pathetic…or maybe just desperate…no, pathetic is a good word.

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**A/N: **I actually had this written, well, weeks ago but just forgot completely about this side story! I wasn't really sure if anyone was reading this or following what was going on but I think i'll just continue with it anyway...when i remember that is lol.

Would love if you could review!

Cheers!


	4. James

**Disclaimer: **Not mine, not yours...well unless you are J.K. Rowling and if you are, what are you doing reading fanfiction?

**A/N: **I was extremely excited that i got a further 2 reviews that i decided i would go away and write another chapter...Its amazing what a review can do for your enthusiasm and determination! So those of you who are enjoying this, here is James! Read and Review Please please please!!!

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**James**

I was brought up extremely well. I am from a wealthy pureblood family, raised with good manners and morals and all round upper class snobbery. Actually, come to think of it, my family are probably the least snobbish people I know, considering they would be happy to let an ogre stay at my house (which has happened by the way). It is for this reason, and this reason only that I am, for lack of a better selection of words, a neat freak. I know the guys have this theory that I am neat because I'm trying to compensate for my scruffy appearance. Total shit. I was simply brought up to respect everyone, including house elves or the 'hired help' so to speak, so despite the fact I had someone to make my bed, cook my meals and wash my clothes, my parents always made me pick up after myself and help out around the house. When you've grown up your whole life being an only child in a spotless environment, it is certainly a shock to be thrown into a dorm room with three other boys who have no respect for cleanliness.

Then again, Remus is an only child and he's the biggest pig of them all. Maybe he's the one trying to compensate for something. I tell you, it was the last straw when I found a pair of his underwear in my bed. How they got there and whether they were dirty or clean, I didn't care and _really_ didn't want to know. All I knew was that if I didn't put up a barrier around my dorm 'area' there were going to be people waking in the morning with no eyebrows. I actually did that to Sirius one night. He was furious until he realised a lack of eyebrows apparently gave him an 'edge'. What a tosser. I say that will love of course.

You may be thinking 'if you were brought up with such good morals and told to respect everyone, why the hell do you go around cursing/hexing/annoying people whenever you want?'. The answer is simple. You want to know why? Well…um…actually, I have no idea. For someone as smart as me (and clearly modest) I have absolutely no idea why I am like I am. Ask Sirius, he likes get behind the psychology of situations and analyse them til he's blue in the face. He was the one who came up with the 'cleanliness is compensatory' theory. You want to know the funniest thing? I was never even scruffy in appearance; the others did this to me. Well actually, in their words they were de-snobbifying me, saying that I sounded far too pretentious and looked every bit the pure blood prejudiced twat. My hair's always been unruly, but they were the ones who taught me to untuck my shirt, talk like a 'commoner' and swear like a sailor. Despite how unimpressed my mother was about this, she still accepted Sirius into our home and treated her like a son…what was I talking about again?

Oh, right, me being an arse. In my defence, I am only an arse to people who deserve it. Like Severus Snape. He really grates on me, and not only because he was good friends with Lily (ugh, even thinking that makes me feel sick). The best part about that last sentence was the use of the word 'was', as in, 'they are no longer friends'.

It seems really stupid and immature (I know what you're thinking, 'stupid and immature? James?") but even though I had plenty of reasons to hate Snape, such as his involvement in the dark arts, the fact he never washed his hair (which I think was Sirius' main reason for disliking the guy) and that he is clearly just a wanker, the _main_ reason I hated him was because for some fucked up reason, Lily got along with him better than she ever did with me.

I'll be honest, Lily is a highly sought after girl and during fourth year it was simply a trend that all the guys tried to snag her. It became an underground competition between all the guys in our year to see who could get her to go out with them first. I was just part of the game and was only interested in her because I figured I could easily get her to go out with me. Pfft, who am I kidding? I _knew _she would go out with me.

Clearly this was until she shot me down, rather publicly I might add. The worst thing was that she never ended up going out with anyone because she was hanging out with Snape. How could anyone choose Snape over, well, anyone who wasn't Snape? I think that was when I started to really hate him.

I'm not so clear on when I started to really like Lily, all I know is that now, I can't imagine being with anyone else. Which is a problem, considering there is no chance Lily is going to go out with me. Maybe I should owl my parents and say the Potter name is going to end with me…In terms of looks, it has to be her hair…or her eyes…or the combination of both. In terms of her personality, well, maybe I'm just a glutton for punishment because she seems to just explode whenever I'm around. But I know that with other people, she's very talkative and funny and cheeky and would do anything for her friends…

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Sirius just ran by me his theory that Lily is very similar to him, therefore, essentially, I am looking for a female version of him. I argued that even if that was true (which it isn't…I don't think), Lily has breasts and he doesn't, so clearly I win.

I actually have this horrible feeling that Lily may have had a thing for Sirius at some stage. This is a horrible feeling for many reasons. Firstly, because I know Sirius wouldn't do anything because I have feelings for Lily…this is bad because Sirius deserves someone great and if Lily was that person and didn't take a chance simply because of me, I wouldn't want him to miss out and I wouldn't want to have that hanging over my conscience. In addition, if they ever did go out, I would be extremely heartbroken and probably couldn't be accountable for my actions towards my best friend. Secondly, I was always hoping (dreaming, wishing, wanting etc) Lily to have feelings for me, not one of my friends…although I suppose anyone would be better than that slime ball. Thirdly is the ever present feeling of rejection which just doesn't bode well with me. It isn't good for my ego, it isn't good for my image and isn't good for my health.

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DAMN! 

Now my quill is about ten feet away. Trust Peter to steal my quill, thinking it was one of the sugar quills we picked up last Hogsmeade weekend. Now I have to turn around and pick it up because Peter is too busy wiping his tongue on his sleeve to get rid of the taste of feathers (I sympathise with the guy, feathers don't really taste all that great).

Why do I get the feeling I'm being watched?

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	5. Peter

**Disclaimer: **I know I don't own Harry Potter, and you know I don't own Harry Potter, so really a disclaimer is superfluous

**A/N: **Okay, so because these chapters are fairly quick to write (because they are so short...if you've read my other story you will know I'm usually writing 5,000 words per chapter lol) I have just been whipping them out...but this trend could end at any given moment so enjoy quick updates while you can lol. Please read and review, reviews are what make it all worthwhile!!!

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**Peter**

Why did I have to be a rat? Why couldn't I have been something cool, like, an eagle or a bear or a rabbit (rabbits are very fast and they live underground in really complex burrows, don't tell me that's not cool!). It's not that I'm complaining, being a rat is really useful, especially for getting into the whomping willow, I mean, if it wasn't for me we couldn't get in at all and what would we do every full moon? It's just that I've noticed the others got animals that suit their personalities. James is a stag, tall, strong and, well, intimidating and I think his antlers are simply representative of his unkempt hair in his human form. Sirius is a dog and, well that one's obvious, he's really smooth with the ladies, playful and sulks a lot. It would be interesting to see what Remus would become if he was an animagus, too bad he was off transforming every time we practised changing forms. If he was an animagi, maybe he would be a kneazle…hang on, can you change into the form of a magical animal or just regular animals? I'd better ask James once class is over. That's another thought, are we supposed to call them 'regular animals' or is there some politically correct form, like, 'muggle animals' or 'muggle species with four legs'…hang on, not all animals have four legs, and we keep the same animals as pets too. Never mind, I'll ask James later.

So, about this rat thing. What I'm afraid of is that I'm a rat because that's what I'm like. I read up on rats, they belong to the species _Rattus Rattus_ (which sounds pretty cool, I was thinking that could be my code name, but I got wormtail instead. James said 'Rattus' was too obvious), they are actually very clean…domestic ones are anyway, there were those ones who spread the plague which I guess were pretty grotty, they are bigger than mice (see, it could be worse, I could have been a mouse!) and apparently muggles have done these experiments where they found out rats actually laugh. Sounds crazy, but that's what they found! The thing I found disturbing was that many people find rats a pest, and exterminate them. That can't be good. I don't want to be a pest and I don't want to be exterminated! The other disturbing thing is the reference to people 'ratting out' others. I have never, ever, ratted out my friends. It would have to be a pretty heavy circumstance for me to rat them out.

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Class is over. I'm still trying to get the feather taste out of my mouth. My sleeve is a little wet now. Oh well.

James has just informed me that you can only turn into 'non-magical animals' so he answered both my questions in one. 'Non-magical animals'…why didn't I think of that? He is currently staring at the back of Lily Evans' head. It's pretty hard not to, her hair is mesmerising as it swishes from side to side…like a veil of fire…

I'm back, Lily just turned the corner. I feel sorry for James, he just can't do anything right by Lily (James calls her Evans, does that mean I should call her Evans too?). This is a mighty shame because there are plenty of girls who would be willing to go out with him, but I think he's got his mind set on Evans. It's probably wrong to think this, but I have to admit that I felt almost…jubilant…when Evan's kept turning James down. (Like my use of the word 'jubilant'? Remus said it the other day and I'd been dieing to use it!). You see, my friends are about the coolest people around, and in a way, they act as my bodyguards…eugh that sounds really wrong…

They act as my…protectors?...Nope, that sounds just as bad.

Being friends with them is my ticket out of being harassed put it that way (being harassed by anyone that isn't them to be more precise, we all take the piss out of each other). Anyway, like I said, my friends are pretty cool, and I am the first to admit, I don't exactly exude the trait (I had to use 'exude'…Sirius used it the other day saying he 'exuded sex appeal'…I feel I used the term with a little more class) so when one of my friends is shut down, although I know I should feel bad for them, I just feel better about myself. It's almost like a little ray of hope for me that they're not perfect so therefore I will have a chance.

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McGonagall just handed out these forms we have to fill out about what career we want when we graduate. I seriously have no idea. I don't really know what I'm good at.

"Don't worry mate, we'll get awesome jobs and hire you as our assistant or something. We won't leave you out." Sirius said.

"Really?"

"Sure, how else can we keep the Marauders together?"

"Well, you may just be the only person willing to hire me." Remus added. For a guy who has it all he really is negative sometimes.

"Oh stop being so dramatic, like people wouldn't hire you just because of your problem." James, as always, reassured.

I wonder how long it will take Remus to realise that the fact he is a werewolf doesn't define who he is? I mean, he is plenty of other things…messy comes to mind immediately…

"Yeah well I'm still not going to bother with filling out my form. Maybe I'll be a door to door salesman."

"What will you sell?" Sirius asked.

"I don't know, Spam?"

"Spam? As in 'ham in a can'? That's beneath you Moony! At least go a bit more top notch and sell canned veggies or something. Actually, this could be a great career path for all of us. We'll all grow the veggies, me and James will be in charge of canning and you two can go door to door selling the stuff! And we'll clearly have to have time off once a month for the full moon. Perfect!"

"Why do I have to go door to door? Why can't I be a canner?" I asked.

"Me and James have to work together clearly, and if we want cans blown up it will be because we're bored, not because we buggered up the spell."

I know Sirius is just kidding. Maybe I just take these things too seriously. Either way, it still hurts.

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**A/N: **So that is Peter, hopefully he seems realistic...really he is just a person who is eager to please (and he isn't evil yet of course...my theory is that he is just attracted to people who are powerful so his status improves) 


	6. Severus

**Disclaimer: **You know the drill...'tis not mine.

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**Severus**

I could not tell you why I like Lily Evans so much. I would go as far to say I love her. I have a feeling it has to do with her radiating innocence and decency, both of which are strong enough to counteract the evil and cantankerous nature which resides in my own being.

If I could take back the hurtful words I said to her that day by the lake, I would. To utter such a word as 'moodblood' is not uncommon for me, in fact, I would go as far to say such excerpts are indicative of my nature. However, to direct such hurt and hatred toward an undeserving subject was certainly a further step in my continuous descent into dark magic and a world which I could only ever imagine being an avid participant of. I have lost the one connection I had with the good world; the humane world; the world against evil. Now there is nothing to stop me embracing fully the life of a powerful and feared fugitive in a club so exclusive, members are branded and summonsed at the will of the Great One. I join, not to be a mere participant of cleansing the world, but to be a part of something greater than this pathetic excuse for a school will allow; to be a part of something greater than my family could ever offer me or expect of me; to be a part of something greater than that of human existence. I join because one day, I will be the one to brand others.

For now, I take the first step to achieve ultimate power. I am branded, at the beck and call of the Dark Lord. While my political views are clear to all in my presence, I am not about to advertise my mark. Instead I shall resort to long sleeved robes and concealment charms which will be almost, if not more, obvious than the mark itself. Let people speculate I say, for some may feel a shred of good still lies within me.

I hope for my own sake that there is good still left within me, or if nothing else, I hope that I have simply buried it shallow enough so that I may access it in a time of need. Unfortunately, I know this good has already disappeared, or at the very least, buried so deep as to never be retrieved again. Perhaps one day I shall feel the need to find remorse for something I may have done, and will somehow rediscover what I long since buried in order to save my soul, but for now, I cannot see how this could occur. I am only capable of accessing good for one person, and she has eluded me.

I fear not for my own future, but for hers. I can envision it now, the bespectacled boy finally reaching into the depths of her heart. I hate that I can so easily see the two together, for the bespectacled boy is like me, but simply representing a different cause. Arrogance he has in spades. Cruel intention he has for those who oppose him. Followers he too has but in the form of blood traitors, werewolves and overenthusiastic crowd followers. He is not unlike me, but because he is for the 'greater good' somehow this justifies his actions of humiliation and degradation of others, while my actions are always put down to mere evil tendencies. I am not complaining of my own portrayal, but that of James Potter, who is seen as some form of God while his actions are not far removed from my own. I must add that many of my actions in our ongoing battle are in self defence, while his are cold and calculated. To owe a life debt to someone such as James Potter is derisory, especially when it was one of his own disciples who planned the attack. Somehow, somewhere, the arrogant prick decided his conscious couldn't handle having a life on his hands, on his friend's hands, and for purely selfish reasons prevented me from attack by the werewolf Lupin. If my death would have caused him great grief, then I would have preferred reaching the end of the tunnel. He deserves to suffer, but instead, will be rewarded with what I can now only imagine in the furthermost corner of my mind.

* * *

I owe my life nothing as it has never offered me anything of great use or service. I bestow upon myself the gift of intelligence; I say this gift was of my own doing as my parents were clearly not the source for my intellectual aptitude. The dark arts are the only ones which can nurture my gift, so I will give the dark arts my life in return.

* * *

**A/N: **Okay, so this is a very morbid chapter...I don't think I planned Snape to be this depressive but that's just how it came out when i started writing it. For some reason i just imagined him having a very formal, intelligent thought process, hence the use of big words lol. Just for the record, i'm not saying Snape is completely evil (i cried so much in the chapter bout him in the last book!) this was just to indicate that once he lost Lily, he felt all he could do was to succumb to the evil which he knew he could be capable of...does that make sense? lol...

ANYWAY please review...maybe i should think of a proper plot...don't worry, i've got OC's in the works


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